It’s exhausting being let down by every guy I let into my life. On the one hand it’s my fault. It’s unhealthy how badly I crave the intimacy and security of a relationship. I want nothing more in this lifetime than to just have someone to hold and to share my day with. But that’s my weakness and it makes me so vulnerable. But on the other hand, it’s not like I just throw myself out there to any and every guy. They lure me in with the promise of not being like every other guy. They know my story and what I’ve gone through with others, I make sure of it so they understand why I’m apprehensive about certain things, but they scoff at those guys and I’m assured that they would never put me through any kind of hurt. So me being the optimist that I am, I assume that they’re sincere. Because why not? At this point I have absolutely no reason to believe otherwise. This is a new person. You can learn from your past relationships and apply what you’ve learned to better your future relationships, but only to a certain point. This is a completely different individual and it’s not fair to punish them for mistakes that other people have made. So despite all the pain and heartbreak others have put me through, I still have faith in love and when something starts to develop with a new guy, I wear my heart on my sleeve and I love to the best of my ability. But up until this point, every single guy whom I’ve trusted has taken advantage of that and thrown it away like it was nothing. And It’s kind of funny to me. I’ve been told that it’s such a turn off when girls have trust issues and are insecure. And the hypocrisy in that statement is unreal. Why do you think we are that way? Because these guys build us up and then break us down. So there goes our trust. And as for the insecurity? A girl could be flawless and treat you like a king. But somehow you’ll find an issue and you won’t reciprocate the treatment. And then she interprets it as somehow she’s done something wrong and there is a problem with her.
It’s just this really vicious cycle that I am tired of being put through. I really don’t ask for a lot, but it seems like asking for anything, or having any expectations at all will inevitably lead to disappointment.